“Mommy, I’m ready for her to go back to the hospital now.”

“We can’t send her back to the hospital. She is part of our family. Besides who would take care of her?”

“The nurses, silly. I am glad she came to visit, but I really don’t want her to stay!”

This was a dialogue a close friend of mine had with her four-year-old daughter soon after the new baby arrived. Unfortunately, the older child became increasingly more aggressive towards her younger sister with the final straw being an unexpected chomp followed by screams of terror by both baby and mommy. Big sister spent 15 minutes sulking in time-out for biting the newborn.

This type of behavior is not uncommon among siblings. Sibling rivalry often begins soon after baby arrives home. For first-borns, they are accustomed to getting all of the attention from mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, aunts, uncles, etc. Sharing the spot lights it often not welcome and normally well-behaved children can turn into little terrors that are difficult to control. From their perspective, this intruder is uninvited, unwelcome, and way too cute to compete. As a result, it is important for you to prepare big brother or big sister before the baby invasion.

Discuss the Pregnancy
Let your child know you are pregnant and explain pregnancy on their terms. If your four-year-old asks the dreaded “where to babies come from” question, you certainly don’t need to go into detail about the birds and the bees. Instead, explain that the baby is growing in mommy’s tummy and will be arriving during a particular season rather than 9 months – time may be difficult for a child to understand.

Set Expectations
Talk to your child before baby arrives about what to expect. Explain that you will be tired and that the baby will require a lot of attention. It is also important to let big brother or big sister know that the baby will not be a playmate at first.

Involve Your Child
Allow your child to participate in the preparation for baby and also include her once baby arrives. Refer to the newborn as “our baby” and ask the older sibling for help with changing diapers, choosing outfits, and gathering stuff for a bath.

Expect Your Child to Regress
If your older child is recently potty trained, it will not be unusual for him to have accidents. In addition, he may engage in more “baby talk” and want to use things such as a bottle. If your older child will be moving to another room or bed, practice this transition before baby arrives. It will help offset some of the regression that often occurs.

Look at Baby Pictures
Pull out the baby book or videos and sit with your child and discuss all of the precious things she did when she was a baby. Let her know how excited you were to bring her home and how everyone couldn’t wait to meet her.

Role Play
Provide a baby doll as a way of demonstrating how to hold a baby’s head or change a baby’s diaper. Your child can also bring the baby to the hospital and model things such as putting on the “Going Home” outfit or preparing the diaper bag. You can also use the doll as a way of demonstrating the importance of being gentle with the new baby.

Read a Book

“I’m a Big Brother” and “I’m a Big Sister” written by Joanna Cole and Maxie Chambliss are delightful hard cover books that celebrate the arrival of a new baby. A special note to parents is also included in each of the books. Other books related to this subject are:

“Will There Be a Lap for Me?” by Dorothy Corey
“When New Baby Comes, I’m Moving Out” and “Nobody Asked Me if I Wanted a Baby Sister”, by Martha Alexander
“A New Baby at Koko Bear’s House” by Vicky Lansky
”Arthur’s Baby” by Marc Brown

It can sometimes be maddening trying to control the older sibling around the newborn. However, be patient! Imagine if you were being replaced with a newer, younger version. When you’re out with the new kid, people respond politely to you, but ooh and ahh over the newcomer. It’s enough to send any three-year-old into a jealous tirade. Remember, any extra TLC you can give the older sibling will help ease the envy and make the new baby a welcomed member rather than an alien intruder.