Thanksgiving is around the corner and already you are setting yourself up for the fall. Even though you try to convince yourself otherwise, you have visions of the Norman Rockwall Thanksgiving and are putting plans in place to make sure that this year will be different. This year the turkey won’t be overdone. This year the cranberry salad won’t be runny. And, this year, Uncle Harry won’t get drunk.

Forgive me for fast-forwarding, but by the end of the meal, you’ll be in tears because nobody is asking for seconds and Uncle Harry is on his last stanza “She’ll be Comin’ Around the Mountain” and is just warming up. None of us have the perfect family. And, as a result, none of us can have a perfect Thanksgiving. It’s not possible! Since family members are necessary for Thanksgiving to be Thanksgiving –a stress-free holiday will continue to elude even the most well-intentioned hosts. According to Hal Runkle, author of “Sreamfree Parenting”, the key to having a “screamfree” Thanksgiving has less to do with how well you cooked the Turkey and more to do with your expectations of the day. “It’s not about a perfect turkey,” says Runkle. “It’s about spending time together with family and friends. When something goes wrong, take a moment to think about how you want to handle it. If you can pause and create some space for yourself, you just may be able to create a funny story for years to come!”

Runkle also warns that even basic expectations, such as wanting everyone to get along, may be unrealistic. He says, “many times, the holidays can be depressing when we expect more from people than we should. So, your sister in law makes you feel inadequate because she seems to always have it together? Chances are someone else in your family feels that way about you.”

Also, keep in mind, it’s not just minding your expectations of extended family members. You should also keep your expectations in check when it comes to your immediate family. For example, just because it’s Thanksgiving doesn’t mean that your son is going to eat green bean casserole and not fidget in his chair when grand-pa tells his Vietnam stories for the tenth time. Kids are kids no matter what is being served and who is at the table. Runkle says, “Whenever you are looking to “get” your kids to do something, you are headed for trouble. With this mindset, you feel responsible for their behavior, and you are embarrassed if they misbehave. Instead, allow them to handle that responsibility and you worry about you. Set some behavioral expectations before guests arrive and let the kids know the consequences of bad choices. Then allow the consequences do the screaming and remember that Grandma has seen her fair share of misbehavior too.”

Although there is no such thing as a stress-free Thanksgiving, there are some things you can do to make the holidays a little bit more manageable.

1.Plan Ahead
I know this is difficult to do when you have to work around football practice, deadlines at work, and PTA meetings. Still, there is much to be said for not waiting until the last minute before your in-laws show up. Plan your menus, set the table, and create a checklist so that details are not forgotten.

2.Learn to Say “No”
The holidays are no time to be heroic. Say “NO” to working the extra shift. Say “NO” to your niece who insists on bringing her cat. Say “NO” to building the Mayflower for 2nd grade Thanksgiving Play. Just say “NO” and you will avoid feeling overwhelmed and resentful.

3.Take Deep Breaths
I’m not kidding – it really works! When the pumpkin pie looks more like pumpkin mush or the gravy spills on your great-grandmother’s lace tablecloth, step away and take a few deep breaths. It helps reset your system and better equips you to manage the situation without losing your mind.

So this year, forget about perfection and take it easy on yourself. Step out of the madness and give yourself a chance to be thankful for it all – the crazy cousins, the whining children, the nagging in-laws, and yes, even Uncle Harry!

Special Note:

Hal Runkle, author of “Screamfree Parenting” will be speaking at:

Skillman Church of Christ
3014 Skillman Ave
Dallas, Texas

ScreamFree Marriage Friday Night November 9th 7-9pm
ScreamFree Parenting Saturday morning 10am-2pm

More details can be found at www.ScreamFree.com or by contacting the church at 214-823-2179.