Not long ago, we attended my husband’s grandmother’s funeral. This was the first time that either of my children had attended a funeral. There were many questions about death and dying with my favorite being, “if Granny was so sick, why didn’t we put her to sleep like Buster?” During the service, my father-in-law stood up and spoke. Emotion overcame him and he was unable to finish his dedication to his mother. My son grabbed my hand. He looked up at me and with tears in his eyes said, “Pop Pop’s mom died.” It was at that moment when death became very personal for him. He realized that I would someday die and that he would be forced to say goodbye like his grandfather standing before him.

Death is not an easy subject to talk about or write about. Believe me, there are about a million things that I would rather be doing than spending the afternoon writing about this topic. For the same reasons why we turn on Sesame Street rather than the evening news and rely on storks to discuss the birds and the bees, we would prefer to shield our children from the realities of the real world and preserve their innocence for as long as possible. However, sometimes death does not wait for an optimal developmental stage before making its appearance. As a result, being prepared for this inevitable fact of life will help your child and your family cope with the loss. Here are a few tip:

Tell the Truth
Kids can ask some tough questions. Not only do they ask questions about God and Heaven, but they also get into dirt and coffins. Plus, kids will of course be concerned about their security and fear the loss of losing you or your spouse. Let them know that mommy and daddy plan to be around a long time. But, even if something should happen, they would always be taken care of. I would also suggest avoiding common statements about death such as “Grandma passed away” or “Uncle Ted went to sleep.” Kids are literal and need literal explanations such as “Grandpa died”. Remember, the best response is an honest response. Even if your child stumps you with a question, it’s best to simply say you don’t know.

Preserve Memories
Talk about your loved one and allow the laughter and tears to follow. Don’t avoid her favorite restaurant. Instead, go and make bets on what she would order is she were there. Plant a tree in your yard in his honor or decide that every time you see a butterfly it was sent by her as a special way of saying she is thinking of you. Look through pictures and swap funny stories. Talking about these memories will allow your child to process the grief naturally, through time.

Read a Book
There are many wonderful children’s books that deal with this subject. Here are my top three:

“What’s Heaven” – by Maria Shriver
Inspired by the time when Maria Shriver lost her grandmother and her daughter’s great grandmother, Rose Kennedy, this tale focuses on a little girl named Kate and the death of her beloved great grandmother. Shriver delves in the subject of Heaven in a manner that does not alienate others with varying religious believes. It is a heartwarming story that can provide comfort for a child going through similar circumstances.

“Tear Soup” – by Pat Schweibert and Chuck DeKlyen
This beautifully illustrated book offers the necessary ingredients for making a batch of Tear Soup after the loss of a loved one. Included in this recipe are: “one pot full of tears”, “a heart willing to be broken open”, “a dash of bitters” and “seasoned with memories”. Poignant and creative with special tips if you are the cook or if a friend is the cook.

“When Someone Very Special Dies” – by Marge Heegaard and to be illustrated by children.
This simple book teaches basic concepts of death while providing space for children to express their feelings about loss. “Some people think the spirit goes to heave to be with God and some think it takes a new form…like the cater pillar that becomes a butterfly. Draw what you think”. I think this book is an excellent tool for parents to use when working with their child through the grief process.

Find Support System
Death is hard and can have devastating effects on a family. If your child is having a difficult time coping with the death of a loved one, don’t hesitate to seek help. Seek the assistance of a pastor or rabbi or therapist. In addition, there are organizations throughout the country that specialize in the grief process. The Warm Place located in Fort Worth, is a not-profit organization whose soul purpose is to provide help and healing for kids who have lost loved ones (www.thewarmplace.org). They offer individual and group counseling and provide guidance for parents seeking help through this process. Most importantly, they offer a community of other kids going through similar experiences. Remember, the death of a close relative or friend can result in life-long challenges. Make sure your child is receiving all the support needed to get to the other side of this crisis successfully.

Additional Thoughts…