They grow up so fast. Before you know it, they will be on their own and we will be left with our empty nest. But for some parents, the nest doesn’t seem to empty and their adult child becomes a life-long liability.

For Allison Bottke, her “ah-ha” moment came when the SWAT team rampaged through her adult son’s apartment. It hit home for her that her desire to give him a second, third, forth, endless number of chances was not going to result in a functioning, responsible adult. Now incarcerated, her son, in many ways, deepened Allison’s faith and inspired her to write, “Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children”. Bottke says, “Most parents don’t understand the difference between ‘helping’ and ‘enabling.’ We cripple our adult children when we don’t allow them to experience the consequences of their actions. In our desire to make things ‘easier’ for our children, we have inadvertently robbed them of the tools they need to become responsible adults.”

Parents enable their children in a variety of ways. One common method is bailing them out financially when they cry for help. “Being The Bank of Mom and Dad, or The Bank of Grandma and Grandpa is an ongoing temptation. Loaning money that is never repaid, helping them to buy things they can’t afford and don’t really need.”

There are many negative consequences that occur when parents enable. However, the biggest problem with enabling has more to do with Mom and Dad rather than the decisions adult children are making. “Our biggest problem isn’t about our adult child’s inability to wake up when their alarm clock rings, or their inability to keep a schedule, or their inability to hold down a job or pay their bills. It’s not about their drug use or alcohol addictions. It’s not about the mess they’re making of their life. The main problem is about the part we’re playing in stepping in to soften the blow of the consequences that come from the choices they make. The main problem is us.” Bottke goes on to say, “instead of trying to ‘fix’ them, or to get them to ‘change their life,’ we need to change ourselves. We need to change the way we have been responding to their choices by making better boundary choices in our own life.”

Bottke offers an acronym that parents can use to get back SANITY into their lives.

S = STOP the enabling, STOP blaming yourself, and STOP the flow of money!
A = Assemble a Support Group
N = Nip excuses in the bud
I = Implement Rules and Boundaries
T = Trust Your Instincts
Y = Yield everything to God or to your Higher Power as you know it

These guidelines are further defined in her book and offer readers a practical, effective method for stopping the destructive pattern of enabling. Bottke is able to speak so effectively to this topic because of her own personal drama. Bottke’s attempts to stop her son from hurting only delayed the pain as a natural result of the choices he made.

“For a long time I didn’t understand the part I was playing in the ongoing drama that had become my son’s life—I didn’t understand that I didn’t have to live in constant chaos and crisis because of his choices.” Now, Bottke is able to get on with her life and is at peace with her relationship with her son. “When I chose to stop the insanity and start living a life of hope and healing, my life changed. It’s a feeling I want other struggling parents and grandparents to experience. I want other parents to know that change is possible when we choose to stop the destructive cycle of enabling. And we can stop it. I know, because I’ve done it.”