The Not-So-Perfect Parent » 5 – Parenting Pains/Growing Pains

Lazy Days of Summer – Don’t Think So!

Paige — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 07:27:43 +0000

“Lazy Days of Summer” – I don’t think so! Let’s try “What-the-Hell-Am-I-Going-to Do-with-My-Kids Days of Summer”! For working moms – Summer is hard! You can’t rely on the day-care or school to keep the kids occupied while you’re bringing home the bacon. So – you have to be strategic – like a game a chess – pulling in all of your pawns so that the queen is not captured and sent to rehab. I have a document that is fourteen pages thick filled with all of the summer planning – most of which will be fun for the kids, but a nightmare for me.

Now I don’t want to be a party pooper – but there are a lot of things that I really hate about summer. For example: I don’t like having to wring out my sweaty clothes after walking to the mailbox. I don’t like having to walk around with a fly swatter defending my home from intruding bugs. I don’t like having to get my hair wet trying to be a cool mom in the swimming pool. I don’t like getting second degree burns every time I get into my car.

Still, I will put on a brave face and try to act excited when I pick up my kids tomorrow from their last day of school. In fact – I’ll even take them to get ice-cream. After all, wiping up melted Bubble Gum Ice Cream from the car seat seems like the perfect way to kick off summer!

Sleep Baby Sleep!!!

Paige — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 15:58:12 +0000

I remember begging my infant son to go to sleep. He would look up at me an grin when I would pick him up after 10 minutes of fussing. Nothing is more frustrating then trying to get your kid to sleep when you are pulling less than 3 hours a night. Well believe it or not – there is such a thing as an Infant Sleep Consultant!

Angel (how appropriate) Crow will be on the show today. She is going to offer bleary-eyed parents some tips for getting on a positive sleep pattern. You can also read a full article about this topic later today when I get around to writing it!

Guest / Guests Names: Angel Crow

Titles: Certified Infant Sleep Consultant and Owner of Baby You, LLC

Company: Baby You, LLC

Website: www.babyyouconsulting.com

Boys Will be Boys

Paige — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 15:46:53 +0000

Last night, our family watched “America’s Funniest Home Videos”. It is one of the few shows that is entertaining for mom and dad and appropriate for the kids. While watching, I began to notice a disturbing trend. I have listed some of the highlights below. However, I am not going to give you the outcome of these various scenes or the common denominator found in each, but I bet you can figure it out.

Boys doing shopping cart races
Boys riding bikes down a flight of stairs.
Boys catching balls with their teeth.
Boys spitting at cats
Boys going down backwards on slides
Six boys riding a one-person sled
Boys poking a baby alligator with a stick
Boys jumping from a trampoline into a baby pool
Boys dancing and swinging their partners during a wedding reception
Boys trying to outrun an irritated bull.

So did you figure it out?? I bet you did! Most of the home movies highlighted members of the male species doing really stupid things. Although I referred to each of the examples as “boys”, many were grown men participating in these stunts. Regardless of age, when boys get around other boys their capacity to muster rational thoughts seems to fall out of their brains.

Although the females were not completely left-out, their goofs were usually the result or a) boys or b) an unstable piece of furniture. As the mother of two boys, this is a little frightening. I can do my best to encourage them to rethink setting off fireworks in the school bathroom. However, a mother’s influence is sometimes lost when his buddies are around. Something I call “stupid force” takes over and can overpower a normally rational male.

Case-in-point. When my older brother was ten, he shot out all of the basement windows with a BB Gun. This behavior was baffling and my brother was grounded for two weeks. However, he was not alone. He friend Steve was also there and they both decided shooting out the windows was a winner of an idea.

In another incident, my brother and a few of his friends, set off stink bombs in the Girl Scout Meeting. The little girls ran out screaming and crying. What makes this incident rank among the most stupid in all the world is that the Girl Scout Meeting was being held in a Sunday School room at my father’s church. Yes, I said my FATHER’s church. He was the minister and was the one who caught the kids as they were running from the scene.

It’s clear that the whole notion that “two-heads are better than one” does not apply to men. The more testosterone present, the more likely stupid things are going to happen. I think people are beginning to wise-up to this reality. It’s taken us a while, but who knows, we may have a woman in the White House.

Water Waster

Paige — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 15:39:57 +0000

Okay, I admit it. I am a water waster. I recycle and turn out all the lights before leaving the house. But when it comes to water – I waste it like a rock star! You see, I believe mothers are entitled to baths. Not your “just enough to get you wet” philosophy that my grandfather had. No, I’m talking hot, soaking, bubbles to your nose kind of bath. In my opinion, we are entitled. It is our opportunity to regroup and reclaim our sanity.

I say leave water conservation to the men, the adolescents, the children (who are more concerned about making tub bubbles than relaxing). Mothers should be gifted the occasional soak with no limits on bath water and no concerns about water conservation. Let us have this one guilt-free, “Calgon Take Me Away” moment where we can indulge and pamper ourselves free from obligation And men, don’t even think about joining us. The bath is off limits to you – because we know you have other things in mind that are not conducive to relaxation! Leave us alone and allow us to wash away our worries. Believe me, it will benefit you in the long run!

It’s Only Just Begun

Paige — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 15:38:47 +0000

It’s late in the day and I am tired. It has been a hard week – both emotionally and physically. As I look towards my evening, I fantasize about going home to a quiet house, pouring myself a glass of wine, and immersing myself in a tub of hot water and bubbles. Unfortunately, my evening will look something like this:

I will pull into the driveway and try to avoid running over my dog who stands in the path of my car, barking and leaping thrilled that the one who feeds has finally returned home. I will walk in the door and hear brief squeals of joy from my two children. This will quickly turn to screaming and shouting as one child will inevitably hit the other or take a toy or step on a toe or whatever it is that they do that causes the hourly outburst.

After dealing with the crisis, I will try to make my way upstairs answering the barrage of questions coming from below:

“When do we eat?”

“What are we having for dinner?”

“Can Andy come over and play?”

“Can we watch TV during dinner?”

“Can I have some money?”

As I finally reach my room, I attempt to change clothes while my three-year-old dances around singing, “I’m Poopy! I’m Poopy! I’m Poopy!” The truth is, before I take off a high-heel or look through the mail, I will:

Referee four wrestling matches
Zap dinner in the microwave
Clean up spilt milk and dropped peas
Change two diapers
Answer seven phone calls
Wash four dirty hands and two filthy faces
Decide I am too tired for a bath for myself or my kids
Try to find two identical pairs of pajamas
If can’t find two identical pairs of pajamas, try to convince my three-year-old that Blues Clues pjs are as cool as Sponge Bob pjs.
Read three stories and say two prayers
Give sixteen kisses and seven hugs
Tux them into bed
Tell them to go back to bed
Demand that they go back to bed
Threaten them that if they don’t go back to bed, they cannot watch TV in the morning
Whimper and maybe cry a little

Not until those tasks are completed will I finally crawl into bed grateful that I survived. With my body exhausted, I hope my mind will follow-suit and shut down for a peaceful night’s sleep. However, that even eludes me and I lie awake, reliving my day, and anxious for tomorrow. GIVE ME A BREAK!

Gross Factor

Paige — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 15:30:52 +0000

You burp, you scratch, you spit – these habits are unwelcome to say the least. However, boys at every age can’t help but giggle when they or a buddy produce obscene sounds. Tonight, my youngest spent five minutes trying to burp as loudly as his older brother. He tried so hard that he started gagging and his eyes started watering. Finally, after endless attempts and a few sips of soda, he was able to produce a respectable belch. So what was the payoff? Beats me. He was almost outdone by his father who burst through the door in his underwear and threatened to burp the alphabet. That one, I intercepted and stopped. Good man.

There is no way I can compete with that – nor do I want to resort to such disgusting tactics. However, my husband will always win the “most popular” contest because I refuse to pull their fingers or produce bodily sounds just for kicks. I think it’s gross – but it is the burden I have to bear as the mother of two boys. Sure, I don’t have to fuss with hair ribbons or deal with the drama of a pre-teen girl. However, my time to anti-up is now – when spit balls and arm pit noises are considered recreational. It’s the price we pay when we have boys.