The (Not So) Perfect Parent

Remember when you were a kid and birthday parties consisted of cake and ice cream and a few friends? Today, bounce houses, catered food, $30 goody bags, and live entertainment are the norm for a kid who’s turning two. Parents try to outdo each other by depleting their child’s college fund on her Sweet Sixteen party.

However, some parents are reacting to this trend by organizing a campaign called “Birthdays Without Pressure. Their website (www.birthdayswithoutpressure.com) intends to start a national conversation about the absurdity of today’s birthday parties. They have a wonderful section that lists examples of extreme measures parents take to ensure a successful event. Some include:

“A Chicago party invitation requests gift worth at least $35. The mother explains that last year her child received some gifts worth only $10, which did not even cover her costs. “

“Half birthday parties (like 9.5 years) are becoming the fashion in Chicago, so that if Johnny is unfortunate enough to have a winter birthday, he can have an outdoor summer party too.”

“In one community where ponies and horses are common, parents hire a llama for their child’s party.”

“A wealthy New York father throws a $10 million party for his 13 year old daughter’s birthday, including the band Aerosmith and $10,000 gift bags.”

Those who know me recognize that I have fallen into this birthday-party-pressure-trap. Although I have managed to stay on budget, I typically spend months planning for the special day. I had convinced myself that I was not trying to make a statement, I was trying to make a memory. However, this rationale fell apart when I took the Birthday Party Pressure Quiz found on the website. I scored 18 out of 20. They recommended having 911 on my speed dial for my next party.

There are some things that I am going to be doing differently when planning the next birthday.

1. Limit the Party Guests
   The standard equation should be the child’s age + 1. For example, my son is turning 7 so eight children are the limit. However, for the mothers of boys, please keep this in mind: the adage that “two heads are better than one” does not apply to boys. The intellectual capacity among boys in one room decreases as the number of boys in that room increases. For some reason, boys do stupid things when they are around their kind.
2. No Gifts Please
   As it is, you risk your life when you open our toy closet. It has turned into a graveyard of sorts for never-played with toys. The last things my kids need are more light sabers or stuffed animals.
3. It’s Not About Me
   This is not a competition. I don’t have anything to prove. I will not be considered a bad parent if the birthday party doesn’t have a live band or chocolate fountain.

I recently went to a birthday party where the mom (who is much smarter than me) held the event in an empty gym. She threw in 20 balls and let the kids be creative. When we left my son said, “that was the best party I have ever been to!”

The lesson here is that ingredients for making a memory do not always include bells and whistles. The trick is hosting a party where your child can feel special among friends and family. It’s kinda like the kid that gets the new wagon for Christmas only to spend the morning playing with the box it came in. Kids can manage to find fun in any situation – even if it doesn’t include a pony ride.

The truth is….kids lie. This fact includes even OUR precious angels. But parents don’t feel too bad – its actually a part of the developmental process. Still parents must address this trust buster and find ways to prevent kids from telling lies. I developed (okay that’s a lie) my much more creative sister developed a game that highlights consequences for being stuck in a web of lives. Feel free to print this out to use on your little pests!

Game Pieces

I live in one of those throw-back neighborhoods. The kind that you see in “Leave It to Beaver” reruns. Everyone knows everyone, and the kids spend much of their time at one of the many Kool-Aid houses on the street. The only difference is that the moms exchange wine rather than recipes and our grass is not quite as green because of the football games that take place in the front yards.

The kids in our neighborhood are getting together to create a volunteer project in conjunction with the Slant 45 initiative. Slant 45 stands for “Service Learning Adventures in North Texas” and it is the largest education initiative ever undertaken by a Super Bowl Host Committee. Kids across the area are coming up with different service projects to address needs that they see in our community.

Our first meeting was last week. The kids sat around and exchanged ideas while one jotted them down with a marker and some poster board. Some of the more creative ideas included saving extinct (or nearly dead) animals – with the emphasis on rhinoceroses. There was also a request for increased safety measures for the squirrels that wind up as road kill on the street.

We haven’t made our final decision where the kids will focus their efforts – but at least they are working together towards a higher purpose beyond baseball and video games.

Here are some quick tips for getting your kids involved in volunteering:

1. Establish a Monthly Family Volunteer Day

As with most major lessons in life – it starts with us. The moms and the dads. Kids will follow our lead. By having a volunteer day – just once a month – will make an impact on the kids, help a cause, and offer much-needed quality time together.

2. Find a Charity that the Kids are Interested In

Let’s face facts – if it’s not interesting to the kids – the process will be much more painful. Kind of like dragging them to the dentist or piano practice. If the kids are interested in the cause – they will give YOU the motivation to keep volunteering- even after an extra tough day at work.

3. Keep an Open Mind

Now I’m not saying that parents should agree on a charity that supports the ongoing development of video games – I do think we have to be open to not only the charities that interest your kids – but also the methods that they want to take to raise the money. It may take three hours of your shrinking time to put up the lemonade stand for the $4 it raises – but it is worth the memory and the lesson!

4. Invite Other Kids to Join In

Progress is made in numbers! Gathering the neighborhood kids and getting them involved is a great way to make a big impact. Plus – it keeps the kids interested and involved!

I love being home with my daughter. I find myself impatiently waiting for her to wake up from naps just so that I can smell and kiss on her! What’s tough for me is how utterly non-productive I am!! I am use to doing 15 things within a 10 minute window. I love my check-lists and I take pride each time something is successfully marked off. As for today – here’s a summary of my accomplishments:

15 minutes of exchanging raspberries and watching her make spit bubbles (she’s really good at it).
7 minutes of changing diapers.
15 minutes (seemed life 5 hours) sitting in the Chick-Fil-A drive-through line .
45 minutes at the grocery store.
20 minutes making dinner and about the same amount of time at the dinner table.

If my math is correct – this list comprises of about 2 hours of activities within a 10 hour day. I honestly could not tell you what happened to the other 8 hours. What’s even more surprising is that I don’t seem to mind. Instead of craving just a few more minutes of daylight to get a few more items checked-off … Now, I am more than willing to let time tick by without having to account for each sacred second. I guess that’s what they mean by actually LIVING life. Victoria has taught me that life without an agenda is not so bad.

Tomorrow may be a different story. When the Laundry Fairy that I have been waiting for refuses to shed her pixie dust over my family’s dirty clothes – I may get a bit impatient. For now, however, I will go to sleep tonight content with my day knowing that a pencil checkmark cannot beat a few more blessed minutes of oh-so-non-productive-time with Victoria!

Fatigue – it is a mother’s worse enemy. The minute your first bundle of joy enters the world – sleep becomes a precious commodity Read the rest of this entry »

Each year I make myself a promise….this year I am going to read more. I call it a “Reading Resolution” – pretty catchy huh?

Not only do I want to add more to my personal reading list than soup labels and Pier One catalogs, I am also committed to reading more with my children. Our reading routine is inconsistent and sometimes sacrificed for sports, homework, and yes – T.V. Frankly, it had not been a big priority and I had done a lousy job leading by example (putting a television in my bedroom was a BIG mistake). However, someone once wrote, “The failure to read good books both enfeebles the vision and strengthens our most fatal tendency – the belief that the here and now is all there is” – Alan Bloom. The best way to get kids outside of their little worlds is through reading and I hope to provide the following structure to begin this process.

Book Hunt
It is off the library!! Now that my oldest is a proud owner of his first library card, he joins me in browsing for interesting books. In addition, talking to other moms or reading book reviews is a great way to build your child’s personal library.

Family Reading Time
Having scheduled time for reading is an excellent way to incorporate books into your daily routine. Bedtime is an obvious option. However, for older kids, having time for family members to read on their own emphasizes the importance of reading while, at the same time, provides much-needed quiet time for mom or dad.

Read to me
As painful as it is to sit with your child as he struggles through “The Hungry Caterpillar” for one millionth time – it is a wonderful exercise to prepare your child for reading out loud in other environments (like in front of Sassy Susie who is in the Red Robin Reading Group). One way to make reading out loud a little less painful is to offer to alternate reading every other page or every other chapter.

Talk About It
Once you’ve finished the book, it is time to talk. This allows for greater reading retention and provides an avenue of sharing. Warning: Asking Yes or No questions will likely result in a shrug or one word answer. Instead, find a way for the story to relate to your life or your family’s experiences.